tea break

Chatting between sips of steamy vanilla chais, I discovered that we're both feeling a lack of appreciation in our respective workplace.

She is hurt by office grumblings - a target of their discontent. Should she voice her hurt? It may look easy on the surface - but it's hard being the bosses daughter. She assumes the bottom rung and gets stepped on.

I told her that lately I've been feeling a major lack of confidence. At work, I'm the new kid on the block. I don't yet know if my presence is appreciated. I hate to admit it - but I'm in need of some ego-stroking.

I become self-centered when I forget the source of true beauty. I fish for comlipments but remain empty - feeding my big ego with little nourishment. Commend me and my ego takes flight through a grandiose dream. Criticism, while hard to hear, sticks to my ribs and ties my stomach in knots. Condemn me and my dukes come up, ready to fight.

Yesterday I told my manager that I've been avoiding talking to him out of fear of conflict. "Is there conflict here?" he motioned to the space between us. I confirmed that it was in my mind. I could feel the knot in my gut coming undone. While I tread carefully for the remainder of my shift, I felt lighter.

While I still don't know if I'm doing a "good" job - in the process of standing up for myself, dropping my niceness, and being authentic and vulnerable - I lost my desire for compliments.