fear of failure

I reluctantly entered my first climbing competition yesterday. I dragged my heels getting there, convinced that I was too tired to climb. I moaned and complained about my moontime apana. I wasn't willing to admit that fear was the real reason for my lethargy.

I love climbing and I'm quite competitive. Sounds like a perfect match for a climbing competition. The only problem is that I'm terrified of failure. And so there I was at the competition, yawning between attempts - putting around, half removed. The risk seemed to great to put in 100% effort.

To my delight and horror, I made the finals. The final route was a mystery on the outside wall. The finalists, all friends, descended down into the pit to await their turn. With time to spare, I skipped home for a hit of Floradix and a bowel evacuation :)

I returned to the gym, laid down in the boulder pit and visualized myself climbing strong and smooth. I had no idea what the actual route looked like, but I figured that some imagery was better than none. After a few rounds of alternate nostril breathing I felt calm and focused. In some ways my fatigue was a blessing - I didn't have the energy to get myself in a nervous tizzy.


I did my best to share some calm energy with the crew of fellow competitors ("competitors" is a bit of a stretch since most of them were friends that I'd been climbing with for years). When my turn came I was summoned from the pit and had my first look at the route. I climbed the wall with my eyes, miming the moves with my hands and feet. After a solid attempt to decipher the route from the ground, I roped up and gave it my all.


The route was vertical to start but grew slightly overhanging higher up. The holds were few and far between, which is a tricky and common predicament for me (being 5'2''). I'm not complaining, it just makes for more dynamic and committing climbing. I surprised myself and a few several lunging moves. Then I hit the first tricky section, I attempted to climb a corner arete with no holds - my feet slipped and I fell off the wall. My effort and fall were greeted by excited cheers.


I came in second place, I was just a few inches shy of where Elly touched before she fell. All in all it was a positive learning experience. I witnessed my fear of failure, I gave it my all and learned how to graciously accept the place of first loser ;)